Neither My Friend or myself made it to Milan this year – and thank the Lord for that, as the diligent journos who did go all ended up stranded and mass-hiring charabancs to get home. Like Channel 4’s Coach Trip but with sharper hair cuts and more ill feeling, I imagine.

So the selection of Milan low-lights and plain design insanity below is brought to you by someone who did go, Barbara Murdoch, writing for Fast Company. For those with the stomach for it, I urge you, go to their website and view all 16 of her selections. AKA The Design Abyss.

Italo Rota's Womb Chair.

Womb? This looks more like Karim Rashid’s tonsils. Set-off on a bed of puss yellow.*

Quinze/Eastpack sofa

This sofa makes me feel flat and empty, like I’m dead. And I’ve just found out hell is furnished by someone who likes wearing a cagoule.

Carla Tolomeo's Le Rouge et le Noir sofa for Sicis

A sofa for gropers. My Friend has already called foul on Sicis’ bird chair. This is the antithesis of the Eastpack sofa, sure, but as my Mum says, would you rather be shot or poisoned?

* Thing is I’m a sucker for puss-and-pink and I might secretly like the Tonsil chair. Shhhh…